What type of flowers should be in a winter bouquet? Who is the ideal photographer to capture a virtual wedding? Is there a way to truncate the original guest list into a Covid regulation-sized event without hard feelings?
Many of my clients, followers, and peers have moved beyond their own weddings. Their children and grandchildren are now in the midst of planning ceremonies. Personally, I know of 6 weddings that have been rescheduled. Understandably brides in masks avoiding their guests is not the making of a treasured event.
Some are having mini ceremonies on the original date followed by their dream receptions penciled in for a Covid-free date in the future. Others have completely down scaled to accommodate Covid gathering restrictions, redefining their guest lists with just their nearest and dearest. The wedding landscape is evolving and plans need to be fluid enough to change on a dime. Are you ready?
Most of us are presumably familiar with the role of a wedding planner via movies like “Father of the Bride” or “The Wedding Planner”. The event and sanity savior who’s got you covered before, during, and after the “I do’s”. Nicole Herinckx, founder and creator of Zillaevents.com takes her profession to a practical and brilliant new level. She wears two hats, a Wedding Coordinator and a Wedding Coach. Brilliant indeed. Imagine gaining clarity on the minutia of which types of flowers should be in the bouquet next to how do I deal with the bridesmaid from purgatory while still remaining besties? I look back to my own wedding’s hitches and glitches. A Wedding Coach to run interference would have taken much of the stress out of the bridal equation. Nicole, where were you when I needed you?
If you’re planning a wedding in the era of Covid or at any time frankly, your to-do and question lists are seemingly endless. If you’re the parent of the couple you also have questions and concerns. Say for instance what’s your role? Let’s see how Nicole can help us maneuver the landscape to avoid the landmines.
Practical Sort (PS): Nicole, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and passion with us. Before we go deep, how do we draw the distinction between coordinator and coach? And why did you choose to embrace both?
Nicole Herinckx (NH): Yes, great question. I segued into wedding coaching because I noticed a need among engaged couples who are doing the heavy lifting in planning their wedding. There are a lot of emotions that get brought up throughout the planning process - that, paired with the learning curve in understanding how to put on an event - and again, add the addition of all the opinions coming from different sources. It can quickly become a lot. I aim to offer couples an advocate, someone unbiased to guide them through the process of planning their wedding, so they maintain control and become confident in the decisions they are making. At the same time, you also have to get the checklist done. You need to address and make a plan for both emotions and execution. In other words, coaching and coordination.
PS: Ah, checklists, now you’re speaking my language. I live by checklists to stay on task and accomplish what needs to be done without forgetting something critical.
If I understand correctly, a prospective bride or groom could reach out if they simply wish to run some ideas by you without full planning services or if they need emotional guidance when the waters get rough, say with conflicts between divorced parents or perhaps bridal party flare ups, you’re there with support?
NH: Correct - only about 16% of couples actually hire a wedding planner. So, that tells me there are a lot of stressed out couples out there. And that breaks my heart because I believe your wedding is one of those huge milestones, that should be a really fun thing to talk about down the road. So what’s the barrier? My guess is budget - so I like to really work around a reasonable point of entry/a sort of a la carte service offering, for those who just need a little help or cannot afford full service.
PS: Budgets are such a big part of blueprints which leads into my next question involving the amorphous role of the parents who often bankroll part or all of the experience. Some may view their role through the lens of tradition, financial contribution, or perhaps to take the burden off busy professionals with little time to spare for the big day. Do you have a clearly articulated role for parents or is that something that is crafted by the individual wants and needs of the couple?
NH: It’s definitely crafted by the needs of the couple. The relationship with parents comes up A LOT when working with clients. I would say next to budget, parents are the runner up to what is causing engaged couples stress. It makes sense though, think about it - getting married can oftentimes be symbolic to - sending the message - “I’m on my own now, creating a new family”. And, some parents accept that better than others. It’s a process. But I think there are some foundational steps parents can take to have that process be positive.
PS: How do you navigate through conversations when parents are funding all or a major part of the event and in return there is a set of expectations for their vision of the guest list, music, venue? Does a financial stake in the event alter the weight of their opinions?
NH: The best way I’ve seen it done, is when parents give a set amount, on a set date as a true gift. No expectations - a complete gift to the couple to do with what they will. Which in my experience, produces the best outcome on both sides. Alternatively, if that isn’t going to happen, I advise couples to draw out what those expectations are. Are they getting a set amount, is it being provided all at once, are they agreeing to pay for a certain line item, like flowers? If so, what are the expectations around that. Bottom line, if you can understand the true ‘cost’ of receiving that money - then at least the couple has the opportunity to make the decision on whether they want to accept those expectations. It could also go the other way - some couples are totally fine if a set of parents pay for the DJ - they get to invite 50 of their closest friends to the wedding, but at least they got to make the decision to accept that.
PS: Let’s get to that awkward exchange involving the budget. The kids may be too nervous to inquire and the parents may be too non-specific about their contribution. A recipe for misunderstanding. Can you diagram a conversation for us where expectations meet realism?
NH: Yea, I get it - a first step is to try and identify your own relationship with money. Do you cringe at talking about finances or do you welcome analyzing your spending habits? Then, try to take a step back and understand your parent’s relationship with money. Just acknowledging the similarities and differences will probably provide you a nice strategy for how to broach the subject. Next, if you are super nervous about it, and your parents aren’t volunteering information then one idea would be to start the conversation with “Hey mom/dad - we are getting into planning the wedding and it’s important for you to be involved because we want this to be a real celebration. I wanted to know if you have given any thought to how you want to participate or help?” For money-conscious folks, this can be a side-door approach to eluding about budget contribution, but also giving the option for someone to just say ‘oh, I’d love to come with you dress shopping or make favors.”
PS: If a parent is invited into the planning process, what’s your advice for organizing their thoughts before jumping into action? Is it helpful for the bride and groom to delineate boundaries?
NH: For most - I would just ask. Transparency and communication are key. Saying that you are there to support however they need it. And then, just ask how they want YOU to participate in the planning (if at all) - and really be open to their answer. I know, this is a hard one, but I promise, you will probably bond more than you expect to, if you just roll with their lead. Another tip, find out what their love language is (Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service) - this can be a great guide to find opportunities in what they will value.
PS: Parents are blessed with the unique yet difficult assignment of providing non-commandeering emotional support. Finding the ideal balance is not easy. If parents notice balls dropping, how should they share their concerns without crushing toes?
NH: Do.not.rescue.them! One question that can lead to further discovery is, “How do you think things are going?” - of course, in a loving, supportive tone. This is probably the first event their kids have ever planned and for many, it’s proving to others that they are adults. Don’t take that away from them. If they respond that things are going swell, then - be happy that they are so happy. Remember, you are there to support and celebrate THEIR marriage. What might look like balls dropping to you, might be their version of self-expression.
PS: Nuclear families have gotten so complex. Multiple moms, dads, future-in-laws may wish to contribute input causing confusion and anxiousness for the not-yet-newlyweds. Have you had to run interference in these situations? Can you give us a tip or two for diplomatic resolution?
NH: This is super common and honestly, most of the time - I see people rally and be cordial for the couple. If that isn’t going to be the case, I advise couples to have a trusted friend/relative (or of course, a wedding planner) provide a little barrier for them on the wedding day. Someone that can just keep an eye out for trouble brewing and protect the couple from angry texts or unnecessary passing comments. This is also another reason I got into wedding coaching - so that couples have a safe avenue to talk through the dynamics and help guide in navigating those opinions, so that they don’t insert those mindsets.
PS: Having a safe avenue for resolution is such a weight lifter. I could have used that myself. Funny how complex wedding planning truly is. Now to add another layer of complexity, has your planning process changed due to covid considerations? I imagine keeping tabs on the viability of vendors and venues keeps your ears perked. Arriving at the reception hall the day of the event to find chains on the door would be crushingly disturbing.
NH: Yes, I’m officially riding the roller coaster - it’s been VERY interesting to witness firsthand how COVID has affected vendors, weddings, engaged couples and trends. From a practical standpoint, I would advise couples to be extra clear to what each vendor’s COVID policy is, including the instance of needing to reschedule or downsize guest count.
PS: Glitches can arise under more normal circumstances such as illness, accidents, vendor snafus. Being prepared with Plan B’s is crucial.
How do you manage to keep your clients and their involved circles centered amidst the chaos?
NH: I listen. And I keep listening. We are in a time where we all wish to be heard and having a safe space to do so. Providing that to my clients - and then guiding them through to the other side of what Plan B-Z is, at least gives them the security that we will figure it out - no matter what.
PS: When donning your planner hat, you take the organizational tasks off the plates of the couple so that they can remain focused on their own well-being and responsibilities beyond your role. For those who may not be able to budget for a wedding planner or coach, what are the most crucial tips for organizing their way through the process, Covid or not?
NH: Well, I would argue that they can’t afford to be without a wedding coach. There’s so much room for things to go sideways. BUT - I get what you are saying... I would advise them to have the following:
Create a mood board - A one-page document that includes 5 things. 3 words that best describe the wedding they want to have, color palette, top 3 priorities and pictures representing both the ceremony and reception.
Give your fiance access to your online checklist - so you can take on tasks together.
Ask a neutral, even-keeled friend/relative to serve as your sounding board, that you share ideas with, etc. It will keep you sane!
Remember, there are a ton of decisions to be made - Don’t get too engulfed in the planning process. In other words, don’t go to EVERY wedding show, spend hours on Pinterest every day, visit 10 bakeries - you will get burnt out very quickly.
PS: Before I let you go, are there any save-the-day anecdotes that you are privy to share?
NH: Oh yes! I think my recent resume’ builder was a wedding I had the pleasure of planning with the couple over about a year. The wedding was originally planned for 300 guests in July, we postponed to September, for 30 guests, on a beautiful private property on Sauvie’s Island, owned by the groom’s parents. And then, the tragic Oregon fires happened. We kept monitoring the smoke levels and it was just getting worse and worse. I was able to work with Vibrant Table to utilize a venue they had and we transitioned about 2 acres of design, indoors, the day before the wedding - and - it was SUCH a fun wedding! People had a blast and all the vendors brought their A-game to really pull together and make the couples’ day special.
PS: Oh my gosh, you should consider adding miracle worker to your resume. I imagine the couple was beyond relieved to have you working magic in their corner so that they could focus on personal tasks and their own emotional well-being.
Click on the photo to watch Nicole’s latest segment on KATU’s Afternoon Live to create a winter wonderland dream wedding
Thank you Nicole. I believe I’m now more prepared for the parent role if and when. Be sure to check out Nicole’s website and reach out to her to ensure wedding day bliss. Dreaming of a holiday wedding? Watch Nicole’s recent appearance on KATU’s Afternoon Live with visions for creating a winter wonderland event.
Nicole Herinckx
ZILLA | Wedding Coach + Coordinator
zillaevents.com
360.798.5451
nicole@zillaevents.com
Photo credits: @nateperkes
