What’s in that tiny, meticulously wrapped box? All I can tell you is that the size is larger, so much larger than the container. I know that doesn’t make sense. How could the contents be bigger than the packaging? Totally possible if it were a gift card, or the value of 2 carat diamond earrings, or tickets to a dream destination. Sorry if I got your hopes up.
Inside the box in my mind, there’s a gift I truly wish I could pass along to you, to me, to anyone who could benefit. That population is just about every person I know. The reveal is coming. I’m not intentionally trying to build suspense. Sure, you could skip ahead to learn more about it. Cheat if you will. We all have to do what we have to do. And technically, I can’t stop you. It’s just that I believe preemptory context is helpful.
Preemptory Context
Change is rarely easy to attain, process, and sustain. I see that with every client I have ever worked work with, and by now, that’s a lot. By the time they get to me, they’ve been on a long road of frustration, unhappy relationships, self-deprecation, defeatism, surrounded by deepening, widening piles of material and emotional stuff. I could go on and on.
For me, for my own personal journey, change hasn’t been a cakewalk either. As I showered a few minutes ago, I thought, wow, wouldn’t it be nice if change was as easy as getting a new hairstyle? Until I realized that…
A). My hairstyle has been relatively unchanged for most of my life. Does that say something about change aversion? And,
B). When I’ve made minor shifts in the length or style, my hair doesn’t readily comply with a new do. There’s a lag and a trail of bad hair days as my tresses, and my styling techniques adjust. My part has been in the same spot for so long, that even when I try to draw a new part on the other side of my head or move it slightly, my hair resists. It reparts itself going back to what it knows, where it’s comfortable, where the well-worn tracks have been laid. I find my behaviors are no different.
Breaking Bad Undesired Habits
Start with a brain that is naturally impulsive, emotionally dysregulated, inhibition resistant, and plagued by years of self-doubt and berating. No dang surprise, the recipe for a better, improved, and stress-less existence is doable yet sometimes irritatingly complex especially if your brain fits the aforementioned description. My brain, my behavioral patterns are just like the part in my hair, reverting back to what’s entrenched. What’s known, no matter how unpleasant, sometimes even ugly, provides relative security. Ingrained habits can be unquestionably hard to break.
Would Those Be Control Issues?
My go-to pattern has been, depending upon the day and mood, to get cranky when things don’t flow according to my plans or how I would like things to be. Are you thinking, she has control issues? Yes, that’s been pointed out to me on more occasions than I care to count. In my defense, in defense of my brain, in defense of many people with cantankerous, swirly, or impulsive brains, it’s not so much about us wanting to intentionally micromanage you or anyone else, but we do. Why? Without control, any semblance of control, things can feel too hard, too big, too damning, too dark, too intolerable. Keeping things, life, relationships in some type of order helps to make sense of what comes next, enabling efficiencies for expediency, helping to illuminate pathways so that forward direction is clearer.
Reveal Time
That’s where I’m coming from, the whole bloody context. Where am I going? What’s the gift I’d love to bestow upon myself and that I wish I could grant to you? How do I even know it would be useful to anyone else beside myself? I’ve worked personally with many of my readers, instructed others during classes and workshops, and scoured countless “last straw” emails, enough to know that this gift would be useful to you. At the very least, someone in your life who is struggling daily or on occasion to get their sh*t together or back on track after derailing. Here it is, and it’s not just the word itself which I know is powerful, I’m embracing it also as an acronym.
Image modified from originals by Dorothe and 990609 from Pixabay
PAUSE
So now that you know what it is, don’t stop here. When I say embrace, I’m using that term rather loosely because I’m not doing a bang-up job getting my arms fully around the concept when it’s indisputably needed. I say I’m going to practice pausing, and I mean it. Does it always happen? Not a chance. Is it happening more often? Maybe.
Pause—for those of us who tend to go high speed, with scant rpms in between 100 mph and cold stop, try taking time to pause during…
Pause. The ‘P’ is self-explanatory. Take a Pause. It’s so easy, then why is it so hard?
Raising my hand. That was me on Sunday. Chalk it up to hormonal cycling, sugar overload, another damp, gray day. The cause could have been any or all of the above or something else entirely like fighting off germy crud. I knew I was spinning out with heightening capriciousness. My husband was wonderfully patient with me as I tried to regain my composure without much success until I took a pause. His suggestion. I was deeply entrenched.
Despite my internal resistance (believe me there was plenty), and some concerns about driving, I took 2 doses of a homeopathic remedy (it offsets snake-like hissing), then got myself to tai chi class, where I focused concertedly on my breaths. Oxygen coming in at my toes and winding along my spine up to my brain then down along the front of my body and flowing outward from my toes over and over for 60 minutes. A friend noted the difference in my demeanor between when I arrived to our departure. She’s a dear friend, so I gave her a head’s up as to my vulnerable state prior to class. Letting her know ahead of time that my potential actions or reactions had nothing to do with her. Likely verbalizing my condition helped to release some of the pieces of pent up agita. After class, I wasn’t completely whole, but the amplitude was distinctly lower.
As I often say, let’s break this down further, so you don’t. We already covered the ‘P’ in pause, let’s move on.
pAuse-Awareness
The ‘A’ is for awareness. I knew darn well what was happening, not exactly sure why, or what my next steps were, but it was clear that I was “off” my game (or my rocker). Had I not noticed, having hubby there to guide me with reassurances that I needed to take a beat gave me the impetus to change my scenery. To get my body and brain what it needed. To get myself back on track. Change, improvements are less likely to happen if we aren’t aware that something needs to give or could use remolding. Stopping in the midst gives us a moment to reflect on what’s going on? What do I need to do now? What might be helpful if I have no clue? We’re all different. Our reasons are our own. The same with next steps. The common denominator is we all could benefit from tuning in.
paUse-Understand
Allow yourself the time, the permission to use the ‘U”. Understand that you can’t control every moment of your life, of someone else’s life, or even our things. Appliances break, tech goes haywire, customer support is often clueless, deadlines loom regardless. All you can do is try to understand what is needed in the moment. What you need? You don’t need to understand everything or anything beyond compassion for yourself to get past whatever is happening.
pauSe- Strategize
The ‘S”, strategizing is super hard when your brain is locked up. Stress, fight, flight, freeze are there to protect us. Higher level thinking is sacrificed as the brain processes signals to get us to safety. Granted, you’re not in physical danger (hopefully). Emotional threats for whatever reason are enough to trigger the brain to make us small, unseen, frozen, fleeing, or on attack. So how do you access the ability to strategize when your computer search engine is jammed? Again, pause. The strategy to get yourself out of this mess could be to just permit your brain to settle. That may include a quick walk just to remove yourself to regroup. An herbal tea. A tub soak. A pillow punching bag. A phone call to a friend or partner who gets you and knows how to get you unstuck or allow you to feel what needs to be felt. Someone who won’t judge you, give unsolicited advice, or make you feel worse than you already do. I know people to avoid in these moments, don’t go there.
pausE-Enact
I was going to use ‘execute’ for the ‘E’. Execute has some harsh connotations, so instead let’s go with ‘enact’. Strategize, come up with a plan, groovy. If it doesn’t go beyond a plan, not groovy. There will be instances where time, energy, space, whatever precludes taking any sort of action. I’ve been there, I know. I also know that continuing on that hamster wheel will keep you going in circles until the wheel jams completely. Before sh^t hits the fan, excuse yourself from a meeting, a heated encounter, even fruitless tech support calls, and go to the restroom. Note, I used ‘rest’ room instead of bathroom. Unfortunately, there’s probably no time for a restful tub soak. Seek a momentary escape from others in your own stall or powder room. Close your eyes, focus on breathing, try tactile massaging to start calming your nervous system. These steps won’t be the ultimate cure. As long as you can get through the next several minutes and optimistically until you can close out your day, that’s pure gold.
"Gift" Wrapping Up This Blog, This Holiday Season, This Year
So there it is. As we close out 2023, celebrate through the holidays, anticipate the possibilities of 2024, here is my gift because I love you all and appreciate you sticking around. Your gift, our gift is…the word, the concept, the acronym, the steps that encompass the transformative power of the PAUSE. Happy Holidays from The Practical Sort.
