And there went my relationship with time. Poof. Gone. Wait, I’m an organizer. Shouldn’t I be able to expertly manage my time? One would think. And under normal circumstances I do. That ended the day that my double life started. At least for now.
How’s your relationship with time? Would you describe yourself as gracefully one step ahead or chronically two steps behind? If you’re lucky, you live in the flow, savoring each minute without a clock dictating your next move. Flow is a state I adore.
Green Light Days
Flow happens when all the lights are green. You’re on time to all your appointments, maybe even a few minutes early so you can relax with a cup of coffee, or catch up on emails or phone calls. On green light days, your to-do list is a series of fastidious completion checkmarks. Yummy meals are planned and executed before tummies irritably growl. Laundry is caught up so your favorite blouse is clean for tomorrow’s career-advancing presentation. Bill payments are up to date, no late fees here. At the day’s end, you feel accomplished, relaxed, and satisfied. I love have mastery over my life, I love those feelings!
Red Light Days
Driving this route, there’s no chance of getting ahead. You’re lucky if you stay afloat. Obstacles and delays crop up at every turn. Email servers are down. Printers jam. Clients miss appointments. The refrigerator is nearly empty. Dinner, such as it is, is late once again. Take notice what happens in your mind and body. Shoulders cramp with unceasing tension. Neck and lower back muscles contract and tighten. Breathing becomes shallow. Moods darken. You’re miserable to be around, but that’s ok because you want to be alone.
Yellow Light Days
Yellow light days are a mix between the two. Most days are like this. One step forward, another step takes much longer than planned. But overall, you’re mainly making progress, and mostly on schedule, mostly.
I can tolerate yellow light days, although I prefer green lights all the way. Then there was the end of January. Red lights. Red lights. Red lights. One phone call turned a well-ordered life into gridlock exhaustion. I maintain an orderly life to limit stress. I’m prone to reactive stress. To prevent or counteract unhealthy stress levels, I consciously build in time for emotional and physical well-care, even when days are overly busy. 1-2 restorative walks, healthy eating, maybe even some tai chi or Qi Gong to stay healthy, and let’s be honest, less bitchy.
Before I go any further, I must acknowledge that:
Ready for the backstory? That January phone call resulted in my taking over someone else’s life 3k miles away. I raised 2 kids so I had practice. It took time to get and stay in a groove after they arrived, as they grew, and as their needs changed. Except for school, most of their commitments were carefully negotiated and mostly manageable around my schedule. Mastery of my time continued to improve.
Even best laid plans can go awry. Image by congerdesign from Pixabay
No matter how well you plan, when the unexpected happens, life drifts off-course. Fortunately, the added life I assumed put my organizing skills to shame. I don’t know how I would have managed otherwise. Nevertheless, there have been countless hurdles and roadblocks to navigate. Countless hours and days lost.
In preparation for this eventuality, years ago, I was given user names, passwords, account numbers, vendor names, repair costs, and personal property values. All neatly compiled with notes and chronological instructions. Truly, it’s embarrassing that my own documentation doesn’t hold a candle. But I’m learning. Even with all this information in hand, half days, full days have been spent…
Negotiating care.
Ensuring that needs are being met.
Traveling across the US to assist with relocation from one assisted living facility to the next.
Attending to home maintenance issues.
Resolving billing errors.
Assembling tax documents and preparing for submission.
Accessing accounts around dual-authentication when the landline it calls to verify the identity goes unanswered across the country.
Sending copies of the POA here, there, and everywhere. And “sorry, we have our own forms that need to be filled out. That legally signed and witnessed document doesn’t cut it”.
Communicating individually with concerned relatives and friends (seniors not on board with group texts or emails sadly)
Searching for “return” home assistance amid covid shortages, extremely specific qualifications, and within budget.
In the haze of the past weeks, I likely failed to account for other actions that consumed my days. None of that list reflects my life here. One notable change I conceded to is relying on others to step in for support. I’m fiercely independent, typically energetic, and capable of knocking out just about any task (within reason). Long distance, red-eye flights, time zone differences, little to no sleep (thanks menopause), continuous demands, and short turn around times left me physically and emotionally depleted in spite of best self-care measures.
Eventually you’ll be in a similar situation or perhaps you’re knee deep already. Here are some take-aways, thus far. Take note…
Did I mention simplify? Thank goodness my life is somewhat simple, and yet, not simple enough. Not everyone has the ability to pare down. Getting things off your calendar may not be negotiable or easy. I set aside The Practical Sort for nearly 2 months, and may have to again in the future. Talk about hard. It’s my baby, it’s my passion, and has taken me a long time to build and thrive. Now, I couldn’t give it my all. I could barely give it anything. In 6 years (this month), I never missed a weekly practical tip. Two weeks ago I did. There just wasn’t time or energy for one more thing. The only reason this blog got written is through catharsis. It wrote itself. More devastating to my ego and bottom line was reducing my client appointments. Just typing that induced tears. I know I will be back up to full speed someday. My brain space, calendar, and energy couldn’t support one more thing.
Cut down to bare minimum. Take a deep breath and remove everything from your calendar that is not critical. I mean everything. You may let people down. You may leave things incomplete. While it's hard, if you're not whole, then you won't be of help to yourself or anyone else.
Let the perfectionism and "do-it-allism" go. They will stand in your way. How do I know? Let’s just say I do. Where can you cut down if you need to? Don’t be afraid to go full frontal on your calendar.
Don’t be shy about asking for a helping hand. Image by Zhivko Dimitrov from Pixabay
Chances are you have people in your circles who can take the reins or step into action to take even a tiny piece off your plate. A carpool ride. A grocery store run. A shoulder to cry on. I was convinced I didn’t need my daughter to join me on the trip back east. In fact, I attempted to dissuade her. Her intuition knew better. She was my rock. When I went on overload, she relieved me. When I hit an emotional wall, she saved me. She cued me with silly words, phrases, or antics when I was teetering. Don’t be shy about asking for a helping hand.
I can’t say enough about this. The life I assumed was organized, by most standards, beyond comprehension. And still, the challenges are many. We expect with seniors that time to jump into action is coming. Sadly, within a flash, tragedies can happen at any age. Just because we may not be eligible for Social Security and Medicare, doesn’t mean that someone else won’t be responsible for us and our daily affairs. You'll find some guidance for preparing below.
I’m not known for giving myself grace. As I’ve shared before, I’m a work in progress. Self-grace, self-compassion, self-love are unfamiliar and at the top of my intention list. Selfishness is familiar, but more in a self-preservation or brain-challenged way. There is only so much my brain cells can support at times, and that may come across as selfishness. What does grace look or feel like? I’m still working that out. Relaxed expectations. Forgiveness. Accommodations. Compassion. Ok, I can name them. That doesn’t mean that I’ve nailed the execution of each.
What constitutes preparation?
Time won’t stop when life gets in the way. Each day is a series of red, yellow, and green lights with their own opportunities and options. They’re dealt ambiguously. At times, we’ll appreciate that a red light gives us a chance to blow our nose, and green lights get us to a rest room faster. And we’ll make it through that yellow light safely but by the skin of our bumper. It’s complex enough to thoroughly manage one life, if you handle more, then you have my deep admiration.
