Last month’s blog “Screw That: If it Works, It Works Even For ADHD” was inspired by a “Translating ADHD” podcast hosted by ADHD Coaches Cameron Gott and Shelly Collins. The hosts tackled Imposter Syndrome. If you don’t know what Imposter Syndrome is, you’re lucky. Or perhaps you experience it without knowing that it actually has a name. Recently, I went back to the podcast for a second listen, the chords struck deeper. They hit my imposter square in the solar plexus. Ouch!
While the podcast is aimed at helping adults with ADHD gain greater understanding and success, this particular episode’s focus on Imposter Syndrome is not confined solely to those with ADHD as noted by the podcast hosts. Feeling like a fraud; doubts about ability, skills, and intellect; fears of failing or not living up to your own or other’s expectations; chalking up successes to luck; these are all pieces of our critical inner voice tapping us on the shoulder or for some of us, screaming loudly in our ears that we aren’t good enough and might never be. It’s a hard cycle to break without tossing in ADHD, perfectionism, or cultural, racial, gender, and economic biases which can further skew our feelings of self-worth.
Years ago, during my first career job at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), a friend and I used to joke (in all seriousness actually), that someday “they” would find us out. They’d finally discover that we were unworthy of our career positions. We’d lose our jobs or worse, our reputations. With every award I earned and accolade I received, the stakes grew higher. Some days I was convinced that someone else actually earned them. Maybe “they” felt sorry for me and awarded me too?? Or on the rare occasion that I felt like yes, I did this, believe me I hid behind a veil of nagging fear that when I goofed up, the house of cards would tumble leaving me in a pathetic wreckage heap. Before I resigned after giving birth to my daughter, my boss made every accommodation to ensure I would return. My performance was obviously appreciated despite my unease. After much contemplation and many tears, I decided for a variety of reasons that my place was with my baby girl. Secretly, oh the relief felt so good. I got out before I was found out. Keep in mind, I had a Master’s Degree, graduated with honors, yada. Not good enough. The imposter occupied too much mental space.
Now years later, here I am with my own business. Oh there are days. What do I know about running a business? Did that client really end that job because of financial hardship? Was that workshop not a sell-out because of me, my message, or the timing? What if they discover I’m not the best organizer among thousands of competitors and colleagues? That’s a deep rabbit hole. Is it worthy of my time and energy to go down it once again? There were so many wasted hours in the past giving too much weight to these questions. Would I rather zip through my to-do lists or ponder my worthiness? I’d prefer to cross completed tasks off. Boom. Done. Striking items off the list feels like removing excess stuff during client projects. The stupendous joy is palpable afterward when there is space to breathe. Ah.
Below is a summary of reframes that help me. They might help you walk away from that pesky imposter too. On tough days I admit to needing external reminders to reinforce the basics. Admittedly, those external reminders ring hollow when the inner demons are screeching at deafening decibels. If you suffer from Imposter Syndrome, and it is more common than you might think especially among perfectionists (like yours truly), here are a few ideas to soothe the savage imposter beast. Beasts often interfere with our work and home life, our relationships, our well-care. Show them the door just like you would with any excess clutter.
Every day is a learning opportunity. Whether it’s how to run a business more effectively, work with clients more skillfully, keeping uncluttered, usable spaces, or building up a body of knowledge, it’s a work in progress. Some days will be shiny and bright. Other days will downright suck. Most will be somewhere in the middle. I have to admit, the middle is comfortable, and I can deal with that.
Sometimes money or timing is a thing. Monetary flow for many clients and prospective customers during the pandemic is a concern. If jobs are put on hold until finances are solidly restored, it may not be a reflection on you. If a friend declines a post-pandemic invitation to a great new restaurant, don’t despair. It could just be a saggy wallet. Timing may not be right. That doesn’t necessarily negate skills, competence, personality. Factors beyond us may influence client commitment, workshop attendance, or even social engagements. Sometimes it’s just not about us. You’ll get the ones meant to be there or when the time is right, the connections will be magical.
Don’t worry about blowing it. Instead Celebrate! Prepare, practice, consider contingencies, and then be patient with yourself. Keeping up with the day to day or preparing for something new takes time, building skills, tapping into and continually refining our strengths, and working around our weaknesses. Sometimes we will nail it. Other times, we’ll march back to the drawing board for a new and improved plan. Sometimes we have to cut our losses. Fortunately, most days no one is tallying the score. Most of our screw-ups go unnoticed, thankfully. When you score a homerun, celebrate! Even if you only make it to the next base like remembering to empty the dishwasher, that is a success. Honor it. You deserve a pat on the back.
Inventory your strengths. If you have difficulty identifying and enumerating your strong suits, cue into what others say. “Hey Sue, you have such a keen fashion sense.” “Mandy, your home and office feel so welcoming.” “Lisa, you’re adept at wrangling 3 ring circuses.” Off the cuff remarks can help clue you in. Those are the areas to relish. Build upon and build out from. Invite those strengths to give you the confidence to use in other arenas or discover similar traits that feel comfortable and worthy of nourishing. No point in nurturing the weaknesses, they just zap your energy.
As for being the best, I’m confident I’m far from it. Some of my competitors have been at this much longer with more experience. What I bring to the picture are my unique style, flair, gifts. Some will resonate, some won’t. You have your own precious wisdom, panache, and talents that only you can bring to the table. There is no room for imposters at the table.
Unless you’re seriously diabolical, I’d bet you’re not an imposter. Today, I don’t feel like I am. Tomorrow, who knows? If you have concerns that someday you’ll be “found out”, what will they find? That you’re human? You make mistakes? You’re not the diamond in the rough? You might not be, but you are a jewel. You are you. You are real. Let the imposter go find another body to clutter.
