What would it be like to give yourself permission to recognize shortfalls and faux pas without shame, without guilt, without beating yourself up when you encounter feelings of failure? Hard to imagine? You’re lucky if you’re a “take it in stride” type. Nearly every day, I have to consciously retrain my self-flogging default thought patterns when things go sideways or plummet straight down.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge shortfalls and faux pas without shame, without guilt, without beating yourself up when it comes to feelings of failure. Image by Сергей Корчанов from Pixabay
When Things Don't Go According to Plan
More than ever, I’m noticing higher levels of anxiousness with most of my clients. I suspect it’s mainly due to the intensity of all that we have to process physically and emotionally each day in the bubble of our own inadequacies. I feel it myself. Perhaps I’m more in tune now with over 100 hours of coach training under my organizing apron. Here’s how it unfolds…a few minutes into a session, there’s a subtle and sometimes, not so subtle energy shift. My client gets quiet, looks downward, shoulders sink, posture slumps. I sense they’re afraid to tell me what’s currently going on or what’s been experienced between sessions. In some cases, degrees of prior trauma are lurking behind the scenes ready to detonate. Are they fearful of how I will react? Will I blame them, or even overreact? Will I shame them? Will I dump them? Will they hurt my feelings if they open up? Will my reaction be one more setback they’ll have to stomach? I tread carefully.
If You’re Working With Me, You’re Safe To Let It All Out
If I give them enough space, usually they let it pour out. “My mom hoarded all types of things.” “My dad was an abusive alcoholic.” “My boss doesn’t think I can do anything right.” “My ADHD keeps getting in the way of finishing whatever I intend to start.” Other times, I subtly encourage to only share what feels safe if they think it will help. I curiously and neutrally listen. Then I thank them for their vulnerability, their wisdom, their awareness, their courage. I affirm that divulging likely wasn’t easy for them (and sometimes me neither). I connect to the fact that they’re overwhelmed by the situation, some are teetering on the edge because life and their circumstances feel way too big, far too dark. Past and current trauma have carved deep, painful scars. They’re searching for lifelines on days when they’re not feeling there’s any hope that this “thing” will finally get better. They’re ready to give up on our work together, and hopefully not much else. How do I know? I’ve been there. Some days I still am. We all have our stuff that holds us back, that we need to work through to get where we want to go. Is it easy? Hell no! And, sometimes organizing isn’t just about sorting and arranging our possessions.
If you’re working with me or hopefully anyone else for that matter, it’s OK to let us know things aren’t going according to your plans or aspirations. In some cases, you might be alright with the pace or achievements thus far, yet someone else in your space (a spouse, roommate, parent, boss) is distressed by lack of progress. “You should have been done already!” “Why is it taking you so long?” That’s very common. New processes and transformation take time. Some of us move at faster rates than others. Making comparisons isn’t beneficial to our outlook or to our motivation to keep going.
Oh, That Was Nothing
I’m keenly aware how important reassurances are for building confidence and ignite motivation. Also, I anticipate that insecurity is likely to engender off-hand dismissals. “Oh that was nothing”. “I really didn’t get much done from my to-do list”. “I should have gotten more done in the time I had available, but I needed rest instead.” What makes it so hard for us to give ourselves credit where credit is due? Or give ourselves a pass when life legitimately gets in the way? Each time I ask a client to step back and objectively reexamine what happened or didn’t happen, and observe their reflexive brush-off, a second or two later, the lightbulb begins to shine again, a sly smile and buoyancy returns. Mostly, that heaviness dissipates. They’re back on their feet again.
Saluting each step forward, no matter the size, means being aware and championing that we’re further along than where we started. Know before you begin, that backslides happen to all of us regularly. Backsliding isn’t worth obsessing about, just keep a dispassionate eye out. Whether it’s dieting, exercise, meditating, housekeeping, bill paying, keeping up with friends, our tendencies don’t necessarily sync to our intentions. Our intentions don’t always match to reality. Here’s the difference after a few sessions with my clients, in the midst of confessing a backslide or skipped to-dos, their moods slowly elevate while unearthing a new recognition. They’re processing that while old patterns flare up, they now have the tools, skills, and power to regroup. A nod toward the tendency of self-flagellation that used to happen or started to happen again is overridden with the determination to get back down to business. They’ve seen progress, they want to keep advancing.
There's No Fixing Until We Identify What's Not Working
It’s not only OK to acknowledge that things aren’t working out the way you hoped, it’s actually helpful. Crashes and burns are learning opportunities. These are NOT failures, no point in going there. Face it, if we don’t acknowledge what isn’t working, we can’t fix it. If you don’t replace the blown tire on your car, you’re not going anywhere in that car or at least you won’t get far. Each revolution of the deflated tire poses more and more risk.
When yoga poses aren’t safe or doable, my instructor urges us to modify, modify, modify as needed. Figure out what’s not working and make adjustments to suit your unique needs. Don’t pay attention to what everyone else in the class is doing. Avoid your own injury. Get the most benefit out of it. Not long ago, I held a Dolphin plank pose far too long. If you’re not familiar, imagine this: elbows on the floor, arms extended forward approximately shoulder width apart, torso and legs lifted off the ground, while feet rest on bent toes. I was determined to rock on until the instructor went back down on her knees. Turns out, the pain I felt in my lower back was the signal to stop, the signal I chose to override. The rest of the week, the small of my back repeatedly informed me, “when I give the signal to stop, I mean STOP!” Lesson learned. I could have modified by changing up the pose slightly or releasing every 30 seconds or so, then planking once again.
We have options. We need to self-advocate. If not, who will? And, we need to give ourselves credit for even the tiniest accomplishments to stoke our motivation and strengthen our self-worth. I can safely hold a plank much longer now. From a pat on the back to a full-blown splurge (I’m thinking spa day aaahhhh), let yourself know that you’ve done ok, maybe better than ok. You’ve made progress. In the areas where you slipped, stumbled, fell flat on your face, or held a dolphin plank way too long, it’s really ok to acknowledge the oopsy privately or share it with someone else. Go a step further, articulate boundaries around the sharing. If you’re simply looking for an ear, preface with “I’m not seeking advice, it would be helpful if I could just sound off”. If you feel that guidance would be helpful, ask if your sounding-board has any suggestions for moving forward. Then take what you need, leave behind the rest.
