When not working with clients, The Practical Sort is out and about meeting the most fascinating people. Occasionally when I come across women-owned businesses offering services that I believe could benefit my clients and followers, they will be featured in "Practical Perspectives/Simple Solutions." Feel free to drop me a note at sherri@thepracticalsort.com to let me know if you find this series helpful or wish to suggest a practitioner/business owner for me to interview. Let's see who is on deck this month.

Before you go any further give yourself a great big hug!

Then watch this Youtube clip if you prefer videos over reading. The content is slightly different than the blog below so you may wish to do both. The more helpful info., the merrier!!

What is the #1 gift you wish for this holiday season? Is it a new car? Diamond earrings? A tropical vacation? That's the easy stuff, if you’ve got the $$$. Every year my wish is the same. Nothing is more important to me than the well-being of my family (health, safety, security, and prosperity). Period.

Then I trudged deeper into the muddiness within (oh, don’t go there Sherri!) as I started to write this blog. I stumbled upon a nearly half century gaping hole begging to be filled with the greatest gift that I can give myself…self-acceptance. Why is that so hard? Where do we start? And what the heck does this have to do with organizing?

Any time we’re not feeling so great about ourselves, if our brains are ruminating with heavy or dark thoughts, then there’s less bandwidth for motivation, creativity, patience, and perseverance to tackle the ought-tos and need-tos on our lists. When we feel like crap, it’s so much easier to play one more computer game, take a friend up on an offer to grab a latte, channel surf for a romantic comedy, or scour social media. That overflowing laundry basket will linger a while longer, and we’ll have to make do with leftovers for another day or 2 until a grocery store run is too urgent to ignore, and forget about the pile of papers requiring attention. It’s sat this long, it can wait another week.

How do you rate yourself on the self-acceptance scale? Are you totally cool when you look in the mirror? Do you berate yourself for every single misstep? Or are you somewhere in between “yep I’m good” and “oh, crap another bad hair day”?

To learn more about the reasons why many of us have difficulty embracing our true selves and how to take baby steps toward welcoming all parts of ourselves, Mid-Life Intuitive Empowerment Coach Samantha (Sam) Salenger has graciously provided her wisdom and guidance below. Sam helps middle years women move from “meh” to “hell yeah” through her one-on-one coaching, hosting a monthly Meet Up “Reclaim Middle Age: Women Finding Their Awesome” in addition to retreats, workshops, and classes to give unhelpful thoughts the boot, and reshape them into a sexy pair of pumps.

Practical Sort (PS): Welcome and thank you for agreeing to participate in this blog interview Sam. During the winter holiday season, we carefully consider and spend hours shopping for ideal gifts for family and friends. Yet, some of us give little thought to indulging ourselves. What is the #1 gift you wish for yourself this holiday season?

Samantha Salenger (SS): I would say that the well-being of my family is always top of mind, but this season my #1 wish for myself is a greater sense of acceptance without feeling resignation, lack, or loss. I think if we can accept ‘what is’ without feeling like a victim of life we can find well-being. It’s an hourly practice, for sure, as we aren’t taught how to access this kind of acceptance as children. Often what is modeled for us is complaining, drama, chaos, lack, scarcity, conflict, etc. and so when we come into our own midlife we have to commit to learning how to do this kind of practice for ourselves and our families.

PS: It sounds like we are 2 peas in the same emo-pod. Why do you think self-acceptance so challenging?

SS: I really do think it comes down to how we are taught by parents, peers, and society. In our world it is so hard to accept even the slightest compliment or pat ourselves on the back without fearing it sounds like “bragging”. I’m not sure why celebrating ourselves is seen as a bad thing, but if that’s the message we get as children (who accept all love and celebration), we will eventually fall into step with the larger society to avoid being an outcast. In some ways I think that social media is changing this for younger women. Along with the pitfalls of social media, seeing people post their successes might be helpful for others to accept their own and start seeing themselves as worthy of acceptance. Also, no one taught us how to accept ourselves. We were taught geometry, how to diagram a sentence, but not how to challenge our negative self talk

PS: What does true self-acceptance look like to you?

SS: Practice. Daily, hourly practice to observe your thoughts and feelings and be able to challenge them. It means practicing drawing boundaries for yourself instead of quietly going along with stuff that doesn’t feel good. It means practicing sitting with discomfort instead of numbing or avoiding it. It means practicing gratitude and mindfulness so you can be present. It means feeling how you are reacting and responding and practicing slowing down enough to ask yourself if those reactions are useful to you. Practicing saying “thank you” to compliments and then allowing some space for you to pat yourself on the back. Practicing staying in the hard conversations instead of running away to protect yourself in the moment. And it means practicing ease within yourself, lots of breathing, looking in the mirror and saying “way to go, sister”. Committing to the practice of self-acceptance is what true self-acceptance is to me.

PS: In August, I wrote a blog on receiving praise entitled, “Take My Compliment, Please.” You’re so right about practice. Each time, I need to remind myself to thank the giver without an automatic flippant deflection. Being receptive despite the ickiness deep down next to the voice that questions, “is she kidding?” is only slightly easier after months of practice.

You know, often times we freely give and typically accept physical objects without hesitation. Emotional largesse (time, comfort, assistance, praise) make us uneasy as they might defy our own belief systems about ourselves and our worthiness. What does the practice look like? Can you take us through some steps to help us learn to accept the beauty of our own gifts and to enable us to more gracefully accept non-tangible gifts from others?

SS: I think practice comes up again and also the word willingness. For some, there simply may not be a willingness to let go of what is keeping them from accepting all those gifts, abilities, compliments, etc. My suggestion would be to first notice if there is resistance and tightness, old pain or discomfort, or old messages around these kinds of gifts. You can’t do anything to improve your situation until you acknowledge there’s something to improve. And then the next step would be to spend some time connecting to the resistance, discomfort, or old beliefs. Journaling is a great way to help you untangle your thoughts and feelings. Therapy, coaching, and group work are all great ways to get at this as well. So many women are terrified of starting to do this work, but the benefits of moving through the blocks are always worth it.

PS: Our first encounter was at a Meetup you host to enable middle years women to find their awesome. I have a personal bias against ‘middle age’ (it sounds old) as well as empty nester (which feels dark, depressing and invokes a sense of lack). I have replaced empty nester with “Free Bird” in my lexicon. That feels empowering, liberating, and enlightening. Women seem to love it. Only one gentleman didn’t care to embrace it. He told me he loved wallowing in sadness.

SS: I love the term “Free Bird”. Personally, I don’t mind “middle age” “midlife” or even “empty nester”. I am committed to rewriting the story of those words for myself and others, but it took me a while to feel empowered around the feelings those phrases created. Sort of like when I decided to let my natural grey hair grow. Owning what’s true is empowering and liberating and looks different for each woman.

PS: Like you, I mainly work with middle years female clients, many are single, and I have noted 2 attributes. 1. They’re at a time in their lives where they’re stepping into their power, experiencing freedoms they haven’t had the luxury of in years, and/or 2. Several are at a crisis as to their purpose. Their adult lives have been dedicated to their marriages and raising their children often at the expense of their own ambitions, and then they face a layoff of the parental job of the last 20+ years, marriages crumble, or downsizing in the workplace, or they are tired of their career path particularly if they reached a glass ceiling. As a coach, can you please share some ways you help ground women to accept and rock this new phase of life?

SS: I have these conversations daily with my clients. This is why Midlife is so darned challenging. Other than practicing acceptance, I think that one way to reframe or re-story Midlife for ourselves is to think of it as a new beginning. It really is! As kids grow older and move out of the daily lives of women, as marriages dissolve or settle into a steady comfortable flow, or as careers hit a natural end point, we are naturally going to feel loss....because change is hard! It forces us to face ourselves. But if we can see that this is an opportunity to tune into what we want without having to serve others first, then it can feel liberating along side the discomfort. I don’t think aging is ever going to feel awesome. I don’t think seeing kids leave is ever going to feel wonderful. Losing a career (or becoming disillusioned by one’s career) is never going to feel delightful. But life isn’t always easy… it’s rarely easy. We are always in a state of transition. Elementary to middle to high school to college. Single to married. Married to divorced or widowed. One job to the next. Not pregnant, pregnant, infant, toddler, kid, teen, etc. This is simply another natural transition, but it’s quieter and can feel really difficult, especially when we were under the illusion that we’d have it “all figured out by now”. I’ll reiterate the process of notice, practice, accept. It’s really all there is. And, I would say to women in Midlife—-Find your people! It’s essential to have women who get and support you.

PS: Add fluctuating perimenopausal and menopausal hormones, and that brings on a whole new level of disruption which may include emotional and physical health changes including anxiousness & depression, physical appearance, hot flashes, loss of interest, relationship shifts, etc. It’s like opening a Pandora’s Box. Where do we start in order to sort out all the components? An integrated team of health and wellness practitioners would be ideal.

SS: We do need a team at this time in our lives. I’m a big fan of being your own persistent detective when it comes to your health. If one doctor doesn’t listen to you, find another one. Try naturopathic or integrative medicine. Read up on stuff and more than anything else: trust your intuition about your own body.

PS: Recently I read “I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It” by Barbara A. Sher and Barbara Smith. What I realized through discussions with my peers and through the book is that I’m not alone when I harbor doubts about my true purpose. When fog is denser than pea soup, we are taught not to use our bright lights, but we often don’t understand how to illuminate that murkiness so we can see our way forward. I feel surrounded by waves of fog stepping into this uncertainty of why am I here? and what is my calling? How do we find the right light switch?

SS: It’s a great question. It’s probably the thing most women I coach struggle with, how to find the thing they “want” to do. First off, I think we put too many eggs in that basket so we scare ourselves into non-action. Secondly, we tend to doubt that we will be successful when we do have an inkling. Third, doubt grows like a cancer so we get consumed and stay put instead of trying. Lastly, I think the grasping is what makes it seems so dark. The light comes when we chill out. If you’re stuck and in the dark, I’ll go back to acknowledge, be present, and practice. Then you can start to simply allow what you’re interested in to come through. This whole business of “finding your passion” has gotten too big for its britches. Passion is nothing more than interest and excitement. Everyone has those! I know someone who loves reading and putting together gift boxes themed around literature. She has built a business doing that. The point is that we need to stop worrying that we won’t live our “passion”. I absolutely LOVE what I do. I 100% do not feel passionate about most of what it takes to run my business. Let’s give ourselves a break!

PS: Oh, giving ourselves a break, that’s another consummate gift suggestion. It’s free, it’s local, and organic. Let’s leave the readers with a gift that they can take home for the holidays that will fill their hearts and souls. If you were to give 1 piece of guidance for women stepping into 2020 (how auspicious to look back on in 2021), what would that be?

SS: There is nothing wrong with you. Please take time to tune in to the smallest voice you often ignore, and learn to ignore the loudest voice that is your inner dictator (aka-your ego trying to keep you safe). The loud voice is the one that is mean, scared, and worried. That small voice is, more than likely, your true self and she is here to help you. Practice noticing when the dictator is driving and challenge that voice often. Then ask the small voice if she’d like to drive for a while. This is simple, but not easy. With practice and patience, however, you will find that you have a lot to offer and a lot to be curious about. Deep breathing, breathwork, meditation, and mindfulness practices help a lot. And know you are not alone.

PS: Sam, thank you for gifting us with your wisdom, experience, and guidance. If you’re thinking about gifting yourself with acceptance, kindness, and unbridled love this holiday season yet still feel uncertain about the steps, you can reach out to Sam Salenger at samsalenger.com. She offers a free Midlife Rescue Session, and what midlifer couldn’t benefit from a little rescuing? She’ll help you find your confidence, supercharge your life, and live the best version of you. And, I can say without doubt, you will adore her gentle directness.